Before You Open the Relationship

Opening a relationship is not automatically enlightened.

It is not automatically doomed either.

People make it work.

People also use “open relationship” to avoid dealing with cheating, a dead bedroom, resentment, or one person wanting something the other person is afraid to refuse.

So before you make rules about hookups, answer the more important question:

If saying no could end the relationship

That matters.

If your partner says:

“Open this relationship or I leave.”

and you agree because you are terrified of losing them, that is not the same thing as both of you being excited to try non-monogamy.

You can still choose to agree.

But do not lie to yourself about why.

Say:

“I need to know whether this is something we both want, or something I am agreeing to because I am scared you will leave.”

What problem are you trying to solve?

Be specific.

Is this about:

• different sex drives;
• wanting variety;
• kink mismatch;
• travel;
• one partner wanting sex the other does not;
• curiosity;
• bisexual exploration;
• a dead bedroom;
• already-existing cheating;
• wanting emotional relationships with other people?

Those are not the same problem.

Opening the relationship may help some of them.

It may make others harder to ignore.

What counts as cheating now?

“Open” does not mean “nothing can count as cheating.”

Couples commonly care about things such as:

• condoms or other safer-sex rules;
• telling each other before or after;
• no hookups at home;
• no mutual friends;
• no exes;
• no repeat partners;
• no sleepovers;
• no dates;
• sex only, no romance;
• whether dating apps are okay;
• whether photos/messages are private;
• whether either partner needs to know who the other person is.

You do not need all of those rules.

You need to know which ones you are actually agreeing to.

A bad rule and a broken rule are different problems

Maybe you agree to a rule and later realize it is unrealistic.

That can happen.

Say:

“This rule is not working for me. Can we change it?”

That is renegotiation.

Doing the thing anyway and hiding it is different.

If somebody breaks an agreement and the defense is:

“The rule was stupid.”

the obvious next question is:

“Then why didn’t you talk to me before breaking it?”

What do we need to tell each other?

Some couples want details.

Some absolutely do not.

Possible systems include:

• tell me before;
• tell me after;
• tell me only if sexual-health risk changed;
• I want to know the person;
• I do not want names;
• I do not want play-by-play;
• I do want to know if you are seeing the same person repeatedly.

Too little information can feel deceptive.

Too much information can turn the relationship into surveillance.

Agree on the amount of information that actually serves a purpose.

What are the safer-sex rules?

This is the part where “we’ll figure it out” is a bad plan.

Talk about:

• condoms;
• PrEP where relevant;
• STI testing;
• what happens if protection fails;
• which activities change your agreed risk level;
• what information must be shared before sex with the primary partner again.

You do not need to make sex sound clinical.

You do need to know what agreement you are making.

What if one person gets much more attention?

This comes up a lot.

One partner may get ten messages a night.

The other may get almost none.

That can create feelings neither person expected.

The problem is not that the more successful partner did something wrong.

The problem is whether the relationship has enough room to talk about:

• jealousy;
• rejection;
• insecurity;
• comparison;
• feeling left behind.

Pretending mature people never feel jealous is not a plan.

What if I change my mind?

Answer this before you open.

Can either person say:

“I need to pause this.”

What happens then?

Immediately stop all outside contact?

Finish existing plans but make no new ones?

Revisit after a week?

Go to counseling?

There is no universal correct answer.

But if one person’s only way out is ending the relationship, that is important to know before starting.

What if my partner already cheated?

Opening the relationship does not retroactively turn cheating into an agreed arrangement.

If the problem is lying, hiding, or broken trust, solve that problem directly.

Otherwise you may end up with an open relationship and the same dishonesty.

What if this is really about kink mismatch?

Maybe one partner wants something the other does not.

Do not assume the answer has to be:

“Then you should open the relationship.”

First figure out:

• Is there enough sexual overlap between you?
• Does the kinky partner need this activity or merely enjoy it?
• Does the other partner feel pressured?
• Would outside kink/sex actually make both people feel better?
• Does either partner genuinely want non-monogamy?

See Consent and Boundaries for the boundary side of that question.

A useful conversation before saying yes

Each person answers separately:

What am I excited about?

What am I afraid of?

What would make this feel like cheating to me?

What information do I need?

What do I absolutely not want?

What safer-sex rules matter to me?

What happens if one of us hates this after trying it?

Then compare answers.

Do not negotiate while pretending you do not care about things you actually care about.

The basic test

An open relationship is much easier to work with when:

• both people actually want it;
• both can say no;
• both know what the agreement is;
• the rules can be discussed before they are broken;
• jealousy can be admitted without shame;
• either person can say something is no longer working.

If the agreement only works while one person stays quiet about being miserable, the problem is not that they are bad at non-monogamy.