Sometimes the hardest part of leaving is not the person you are with.
It is the thought:
“If I call my mom / friend / brother / roommate, I’m going to have to explain everything.”
You do not.
Ten ways to ask without telling the whole story
Use the words
Pick the one that sounds most like you
These are intentionally plain. No elaborate fake emergencies.
Can you come get me? I’m uncomfortable and I don’t want to explain until I’m home.
I need a ride home. I’m safe right now. Can you get me?
Can you pick me up from [location]? I’ll explain later.
Something changed and I want to leave. Can you come get me?
I need help getting home. Please save the lecture until I’m there.
Can you call me right now and tell me I need to come home?
I’m okay, but I don’t want to stay here. Can you help me leave?
Can I send you my location? I need you to come get me.
I need a favor and I need you to say yes before asking questions: can you pick me up?
Please stay on the phone with me while I get out of here.
If you are worried they will ask what happened
Add one sentence:
“I am not ready to explain it yet.”
or:
“I will tell you what I can when I’m home.”
or:
“Please help me first. Questions later.”
That is enough.
If you are not out to them
You do not need to say:
- it was a guy;
- it was Grindr;
- it was a hookup;
- sex was possible;
- you were dressed a certain way;
- you were exploring something.
You can say:
“I met somebody and I want to leave.”
If they ask who:
“I’m not ready to explain that part. I just need a ride.”
If you need a believable amount of information without outing yourself:
“I met someone I only knew online and I’m not comfortable anymore.”
That is enough information to get help.
If you think they will be angry
You can still ask.
Try:
“You can be mad at me when I’m home. I need help first.”
That line works because it does not ask them to approve of what happened.
It asks them to separate:
getting you home
from:
the argument afterward.
If you need them to create the excuse
Sometimes it is easier if the person you are with thinks somebody else is making you leave.
Ask:
“Call me and say you need me home right now.”
or:
“Text me something that gives me a reason to leave.”
The excuse can be boring.
It does not need to involve:
- fake hospitals;
- fake deaths;
- fake police emergencies;
- an elaborate family crisis.
“Come home now” is enough.
If your parent is not the safe person
Call the person who has actually helped you before.
That might be:
- sibling;
- cousin;
- friend;
- roommate;
- coworker;
- neighbor;
- friend’s parent;
- trusted adult.
The “right” person is the one who is most likely to come get you without making the situation worse.
If nobody can physically pick you up
You can still put somebody on the phone.
Say:
“Stay with me while I order the ride.”
or:
“I’m going to the lobby / cashier / front desk. Keep talking to me until I’m in the car.”
If you are in a public place, ask staff if you can wait somewhere safe while the ride comes.
If the person you are with can hear you
Keep it short.
“I need to go.”
Then make the call or send the text.
If a longer explanation increases pressure, skip it.
If they stop you from leaving
That is no longer an awkward-date problem.
If somebody blocks the door, takes your phone, restrains you, threatens you, or otherwise prevents you from leaving, move toward other people and get emergency help if you can safely do so.
Pre-plan this once
Before the next meetup, ask one trusted person:
“If I ever text you ‘come get me,’ can you just help first and ask questions later?”
Decide:
- whether they should call you;
- whether they should come in person;
- whether they know your location;
- who they should contact if you stop answering.
That makes the text much easier to send when you are stressed.
Bottom line
Get home first.
You can decide later how much of the story belongs to anybody else.
For the broader meetup plan, see Online Safety Basics and The Plan Changed. Leave..