Someone knows something private about you and is threatening to tell:
- family;
- school;
- friends;
- work;
- a partner;
- the internet.
Do not let their threat become your only plan.
First: what exactly are they threatening?
Save the message if you safely can.
Write down:
- who they said they will contact;
- what they said they will reveal;
- what they are demanding;
- account / phone / profile information;
- date and time.
If there is extortion involving intimate images, see Someone Has My Nudes.
Second: make the threat harder to use against you
Ask:
- Can I lock down followers/friends lists?
- Can I remove family tags or public connections?
- Can I change passwords?
- Can I block after saving what I need?
- Does school/work need a warning?
- Is one trusted person better told by me first?
You are trying to make disclosure less catastrophic, not pretend it cannot happen.
Do I need to come out first?
No.
Sometimes telling one safe person first helps.
That is different from rushing into a full disclosure because somebody forced the timing.
You can say:
“Someone may contact you with something private about me. I’m not ready to discuss all of it, but I wanted you to hear that from me first.”
If family disclosure could be dangerous
Prepare:
- transport;
- phone/charger;
- medication;
- ID;
- money/payment;
- one safe person;
- somewhere to go temporarily.
If your home situation is genuinely unsafe, focus on the practical plan rather than trying to make the outing person understand the damage they could cause.
If the threat is at school
Tell the safest staff member you can find:
“Someone is threatening to disclose private information about me to my family. Before I tell you more, what will you have to share?”
See I Need Help at School Without Being Outed.
If the person says “I’m doing this for your own good”
You still get to decide who knows private information about you when safety allows.
Try:
“This is not your information to share.”
“Do not contact my family about me.”
“You may think you’re helping. You are putting me at risk.”
Bottom line
Threatened outing works by making you feel like you have no control left.
You may not control whether the other person talks.
You can control more of what happens around it.
For the family side, see Identity & Coming Out Resources.